Realistic optimism in relationships & techniques for keeping affinity and engagement in your couple

Is not about unrealistic optimism but see the reality with hope, open mind  for future-  realistic optimism

Phases of science:

  • helplessness and efficacy
  • Optimism

When animals and people have inescapable shock, they become passive; blocked; could be diagnosed with depression

The main discovery in last 20 years: we thought people learned helplessness during life due to disasters and bad circumstances; instead, we inherited the reptilian brain (both humans and animals are prone, are design to see the disaster as insurmountable. Helplessness is actually a default state of animals; animals waiting for the predator; human learn control while frontal brain was developed.

Reptilian brain is prone to helplessness and pessimism – because ancient man had no chance against predator and natural disasters. In our modern era reptilian brain is not needed to be the main lead of your thoughts and actions; people have choices and capacity to fight/ bounce back

People learn resilience if they have persistence.

Helpless people give up. They fall into depression.

People who learn efficacy tend to learn resilience as a next step

Researchers discovered that only 2/3 of people become helpless;   1/3 were impossible to become helpless – their key was optimism or realistic optimism.

Difference of perspective:

Pessimistic people tend to live a bad situation and get a dramatic conclusion out of it, which tend to be permanent, last forever. Example “ I lost an exam” – what voice is telling in your head: “I am stupid “ – this is a permanent feature, is unescapable and permanent. Therefor it destroys the capacity to bounce back, to try again, to fight back.

Optimism people tend to label the same event with a temporary conclusion “ I lost an exam” – they take a conclusion like “  I got a hangover” – that is temporary and allows mental space to refresh and start again.

Science proved that we could we take the skills of optimism and teach it to pessimistic people.

Cognitive theory says that  we can undo depression and can prevent depression.

In an experiment psychologist were teaching optimism to 10-12 years old kids in several schools. They followed through puberty and adolescence those kids and measured their psychologic development. Conclusion is that depression dropped 50% for both puberty and adolescent stages for all kids.

Apparently the only profession in which people with pessimistic  approach  do better than optimistic is lawyers.

Optimistic people live 6-8 years longer, have less diseases, more fun, more quality time, more sex, more money.

Pessimistic tend to have bad effects in the body as if smoking 2-3 cigarettes packages per day.

We, as coaches could train the following pillars of optimism:

  1. positive emotions
  2. engagement
  3. good relationships
  4. meaning and purpose
  5. accomplishment


Transformation starts with yourself,

Starts within your couple,

Starts in your family!

Get support, find a trustful coach!



Oana Năstase Bleckenwegner

Oana Năstase Bleckenwegner

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Copyright by Oana Nastase Bleckenwegner. All rights reserved.

Copyright by Oana Nastase Bleckenwegner. All rights reserved.