- Is she being insincere or is she mocking me?
For about a month I've been frustrated with a new coaching client.
He postponed the meeting about three times. Each time she told me she really wanted to talk, to give her another appointment, I'd give it to her again at the agreed time - no sign of her.
After the first disappearance I said it was a fluke. The second time I thought there was something wrong with me, that I said something that scared her. The third time I began to "graft" her into my thoughts: that she was being unreliable, that she was ungrateful for the effort and attention I had given her, for the unpaid appointments I had given her. I was left with a bitter taste and nagging thoughts that I wasn't a good coach, that I hadn't found the right words to support her. I fell asleep several nights with difficulty and dreamt of acquaintances coming out of meetings with me who were unhappier than they had gone in.
He gave no further sign and I was left with a tightness, torn between dissatisfaction, frustration and criticism.
The other day I was on the phone with another coaching client. She tells me about herself, we arrange a meeting again at the end:
- Did you hear about Mara?
- No, I mean, what happened?
- She separates from her partner after about 7 years. It happened unexpectedly and she's in a big crisis. She doesn't even have a place to live because the apartment was his.
I hung up and felt ashamed. I felt remorse for the criticism of me and the judgement of her.
Do you wonder how I have such feelings being a coach? How do I fall into such emotional traps?
I'm human and I fall into traps.
So I am posting this article which I hope will bring light to the confusion we often experience when we suffer and complain:
- He ignored me
- He's got me
- He's ungrateful
- He's mocking me
- He hurt me
No one can hurt you or hurt you if you don't let them.
No one can mock you if you are not vulnerable.
Most people get upset, angry, annoyed, offended or attacked for taking things personally.
It's not about you
To take things personally is to allow the other person to hurt or offend you in any way. Yes, people give their opinions, people criticize, people give "advice", but between what they say and what we feel is our own perception, our own way of relating to their words and behaviors. No one can make you feel bad without your permission, and what people say is often about them, not you.
For example, someone may accuse you of being selfish for not giving up your plans to meet their needs, but this doesn't actually speak to your selfishness, it speaks to their selfishness, the selfishness that uses manipulation and emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty for not sacrificing for them.
People perceive reality and behave in a certain way according to their mental programs, according to their beliefs, interests, visions and experiences - for example, a man who has accumulated a lot of aggression and frustration inside him will look for ways to manifest in his life exactly these attributes, he will look for more "reasons" to feel angry and frustrated. Being accustomed to getting angry, to focusing on what is wrong, he can find a reason for anger and frustration if out of ten things right, you do one thing wrong. He may get angry, he may reproach you, but it's not about you (you didn't make him angry), it's about the way he is used to perceiving the world and relating to it.
A man may envy you and discourage you or try to put you down because your success may bring him face to face with his lack of courage and determination, his passivity and limiting beliefs, which he doesn't really want to change, but doesn't like to accept and take on.
In other cases, people may do things without you even being the focus of their attention, to target you - for example, a familiar person may not greet you on the street because they are caught up in their own thoughts, preoccupied with some problem, in a hurry or distracted. We often worry excessively about how other people perceive us, what they think of us or might think of us, but we forget that they in turn worry about how other people perceive them or are simply preoccupied with themselves, their own interests and problems.
Not taking things personally also means understanding that people are not against you, they are just putting themselves first.
Notice who is talking to you - you don't need to feel "touched" by the opinions, comments, criticisms or even "hate" of someone who doesn't really know you, who is not a role model for you or an example to look up to. In addition, if someone is behaving in a harsh manner or attitude, instead of reacting with aggression, anger, going on the offensive or defensive, try to understand why they are behaving the way they are, why they choose to be the way they are.
Think about the other person's intent and motives - for example, if a person wants to be right at all costs, they will use any means to prove you right (even if they are not), devalue your opinions, try to impose themselves, just to satisfy this need. Don't take the way she behaves personally, because she acts this way out of fear and insecurity. On the other hand, if this kind of behaviour keeps repeating itself, you have no reason to accept an interaction or relationship with a person who does not show you respect and whose rigidity puts a negative stamp on the relationship - set some clear boundaries and limits for interaction.
Notice what it is inside you that makes you take things personally
- When this happens, it's generally because something the other person said touched a nerve. For example, if you have a complex about not having completed your higher education, you may take it personally that your boss rejected a particular proposal in a departmental meeting, thinking that this was the reason. In reality, it may be because another proposal from another colleague is easier to implement at the moment, or perhaps a majority vote has chosen another option for various reasons. You judge yourself for this and expect others to judge you in the same way;
- inside you and you believe what the other person said - a person may tell you, directly or indirectly, that you lack ambition and determination, and this may trigger a defensive reaction because you know they are right, but you don't want to accept and acknowledge this;
- a reactivation of an old wound occurs - for example, if someone disapproves of you or criticises you, this triggers a strong emotional response because it reactivates a childhood wound - you were abused, criticised or humiliated constantly and now any events or situations similar to those in the past trigger the same type of reaction.
When you notice that your reaction is out of proportion to the stimulus (e.g. you burst into tears or have a nervous breakdown if your friend doesn't answer the phone), ask yourself who or what the present situation reminds you of;
- notice if you have unrealistic expectations - people often have unrealistic expectations from others, especially in relationships, where they expect their partner to do everything for them, to live for them and for their well-being, to take responsibility for their happiness and life, etc., and when these expectations are not met, they feel betrayed, disappointed, angry. It is impossible for our desires, interests, passions to coincide perfectly with those of our partner - we are distinct, unique human beings, and if our partner chooses at some point to do certain things that do not coincide with our expectations, instead of getting angry, let us understand that each person has the right to live as they see fit and that it is not healthy to place the responsibility for our happiness and life on others. In general, people act for themselves to satisfy their own needs and interests and we are the ones who choose to believe that they are acting against us. In fact, we are the ones who have the expectation that others put us first and not themselves - isn't that selfish?
If you have a low opinion of yourself, you will interpret the things and situations you go through according to this view of yourself. If you feel insecure or worthless you will take what others say or do personally. If you don't trust yourself, every word can destabilise you and you can see evil intentions and danger at every turn.
Face your fears, stop running away from what you don't like about yourself, but accept or start making changes. Develop your self-confidence, offer compassion, make your voice known, ask others what they want to say if you're not sure instead of interpreting things in a certain way and getting upset, try to look at the bigger picture or look at things from a different perspective before rushing to conclusions.
Take control of your thoughts and emotions - when you allow people to upset you, to make you doubt yourself, you surrender your personal power, but it's up to you how you relate to what they say or do.
#AlignAndRealize
