- Is she being serious or is she making fun of me?
For about a month now, I've been struggling with frustrations about a new coaching client.
He postponed the meeting about three times. Every time she told me she really wanted to talk, to set up another meeting, I would set it up again at the agreed time - no sign of her.
After the first disappearance I said it was a coincidence. The second time I thought there was something wrong with me, that I had said something that scared her. The third time I started to “graft” her into my mind: that she was not serious, that she was ungrateful for the effort and attention I gave her, for the unpaid meetings I granted. I was left with a bitter taste and thoughts that I was not a good coach, that I did not find the right words to support her, were gnawing at me. I had trouble falling asleep several nights and dreamed of acquaintances who left the meeting with me and were more unhappy than they had been when they entered.
He didn't give any more signs and I was left with a feeling of pressure, torn between dissatisfaction, frustration, and criticism.
The other day I was on the phone with another coaching client. She tells me about herself, we set up a meeting, and at the end:
- Did you hear about Mara?
- No, I say, what happened?
- She is separating from her partner after about 7 years. It happened unexpectedly and she is in a big crisis. She doesn't even have a place to live because the apartment was his.
I hung up and felt ashamed. I felt remorse for the criticisms and judgments directed at me and her.
Are you wondering how I feel like this as a coach? How do I fall into such emotional traps?
I'm human too and I fall into traps.
So I'm posting this article that I hope will shed light on the confusion we often experience when we suffer and complain:
- He ignored me.
- He offended me.
- He is ungrateful.
- He's making fun of me.
- He hurt me.
No one can offend or hurt you unless you let them.
No one can make fun of you unless you are vulnerable.
Most people get upset, angry, annoyed, feel offended, or attacked because they take things personally.
It's not about you.
Taking things personally means allowing the other person to hurt or offend you in some way. Yes, people give their opinions, people criticize, people give “advice,” but between what they say and what we feel is our own perception, our own way of relating to their words and behaviors. No one can make you feel bad without your permission, and what people say is most often about them, not about you.
For example, someone may accuse you of being selfish because you don't give up your plans to meet his needs, but this doesn't actually speak about your selfishness, but about his selfishness, the one who uses manipulation and emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty for not sacrificing yourself for him.
People perceive reality and behave in a certain way according to their mental programs, according to their beliefs, interests, visions and experiences. – for example, a man who has accumulated a lot of aggression and frustration inside himself will look for ways to manifest these very attributes in his life, he will look for more “reasons” to feel angry and frustrated. Being used to getting angry, to focusing on what is not good, he can find a reason for anger and frustration if out of ten things right, you do only one wrong. He can get angry, he can reproach you, but it is not about you (you did not make him angry), but about the way he is used to perceiving the world and relating to it.
A man may envy and discourage you or try to put obstacles in your way because your success may confront him with his lack of courage and determination, with his passivity and limiting beliefs, aspects that he does not actually want to change, but he does not enjoy accepting and assuming either.
In other cases, people may do certain things without even having you in mind, without you being the center of their attention – for example, a person you know may not greet you on the street because they are lost in their own thoughts, preoccupied with certain problems, in a hurry or distracted. We often worry excessively about how other people perceive us, about the opinion they have formed about us or might form, but we forget that they, in turn, worry about how other people perceive them or are simply attentive to themselves, their own interests and problems.
Not taking things personally also means understanding that people are not against you, they are just putting themselves first.
Notice who is speaking to you – you have no reason to feel “touched” by the opinions, comments, criticisms or even “hate” of a person who does not really know you, who is not a role model for you or an example to admire. In addition, if someone has a harsh behavior or attitude, instead of reacting with aggression, anger, getting offensive or defensive, try to understand why they behave this way, why they choose to be the way they are.
Think about the other person's intentions and motives – for example, if a person wants to be right at all costs, they will use any means to prove to you that they are right (even if they are not), they will devalue your opinions, they will try to impose themselves, just to satisfy this need. Do not take the way they behave personally, because they act this way out of fear and insecurity. On the other hand, if this type of behavior is repeated over and over again, you have no reason to accept an interaction or relationship with a person who does not show you respect and whose rigidity negatively affects the relationship – establish some clear limits and boundaries of interaction.
Notice what inside you causes you to take things personally.
– When this happens, it's usually because something the other person said touched a sensitive spot in your life.. For example, if you have a complex about not having completed your higher education, you may take it personally when your boss rejected a certain proposal in a department meeting, thinking that this was the reason. In reality, it may be that another proposal from another colleague is easier to implement at the moment, or perhaps a different option was chosen by majority vote for various reasons. You judge yourself for this and expect others to judge you the same way;
– inside you and you believe what the other said – a person may tell you, directly or indirectly, that you lack ambition and determination, and this may trigger a defensive reaction because you know they are right, but you do not want to accept and acknowledge this;
– a reactivation of an older wound occurs – for example, if someone disapproves of you or criticizes you, this triggers a strong emotional response because it reactivates a childhood wound – you were abused, you were constantly criticized or humiliated and now any events or situations similar to those in the past trigger the same type of reaction.
When you notice that your reaction is disproportionate to the stimulus (for example, you burst into tears or have a nervous breakdown if your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't answer your phone), ask yourself who or what the current situation reminds you of;
– notice if you have unrealistic expectations – often people have unrealistic expectations from others, especially in relationships, where they expect their partner to do everything for them, to live for them and for their good, to take responsibility for their happiness and life, etc., and when these expectations are not met, they feel betrayed, disappointed, angry. It is impossible for our desires, interests, and passions to perfectly coincide with those of our partner – we are distinct, unique human beings, and if our partner chooses at some point to do certain things that do not coincide with our expectations, instead of getting upset, let us understand that each person has the right to live as they consider best and that it is not healthy to place the responsibility for our happiness and life on others. In general, people act for themselves, to satisfy their own needs and interests, and we are the ones who choose to believe that they are acting against us. In fact, we are the ones who expect others to put us first and not themselves – isn't this selfishness?
If you have a bad opinion of yourself, you will interpret the things and situations you go through in accordance with this vision of yourself. If you feel insecure or worthless, you will take what others say or do personally. If you don't trust yourself, any word can destabilize you and you may see evil intentions and dangers at every turn.
Face your fears, stop running away from what you don't like about yourself, but accept or start making changes. Develop your self-confidence, offer compassion, make your voice known, ask others what they want to say if you are unsure instead of interpreting things a certain way and getting upset, try to look at the bigger picture or look at things from another perspective before rushing to conclusions.
Take control of your thoughts and emotions – When you allow people to upset you, to make you doubt yourself, you surrender your personal power, but it is up to you how you respond to what they say or do.
#AlignAndRealize
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